58ford
05-10-2007, 07:36 PM
I have decided to resurrect here on MyHattiesburg the "58ford's Horoscope for the common man".
I will however be doing it in a monthly rather than daily format (I just ain't got the time anymore) I will also, be doing it from my favorite local drinking establishment, because horoscopes of this concise & biting accuracy do not fall from the sober mind.
Although, I do consult the stars and from them draw the bulk of my information, I temper my celestial findings with numerology, phrenology, tarot, the reading of both chicken, & goat entrails, Mayan glyph writing, a little of my own immense prophetic gifts, and a magic eight ball.
If you follow my horoscope exactly you will find love, companionship, wealth, spiritual fulfillment, heightened sensory perception, and granola no longer hold the meaning for you they once did.
And it may cause E.D.And now, 58ford's Horoscope For You presents:
May, 2007!
Preface
Although I use all of the traditional signs of the zodiac
Aries the ram
Taurus the bull
Gemini the twins
Cancer the crab
Leo the lion
Virgo the virgin
Libra the scales
Scorpio the scorpion
Sagittarius the archer
Capricorn the goat
Aquarius the water bearer
and
Pisces the fish
I have updated this dozen to include a new sign
Phallius the prick
Phallius comes right at the end of Virgo & lasts for only about fifteen minutes. So if you were born in the last fifteen minutes of September 23rd your astrological sign would be Phallius.
Aries – You poor bastard, you might as well stay home. I recommend you don't even get out of bed. The signs for you are so bad I wouldn't even wish them on a Sagittarius. If you lose your job for taking the day off count it as a blessing, it's the best thing that could happen.
My recommendation for the day is: warm up that modem, snag a box of Kleenex, head to your favorite porn site & spend the day in quiet masturbation. (you're gonna get blisters on your privates, but that was gonna happen anyway, so you might as well have fun getting' 'em.)
Taurus – Your reflexes both physically & mentally are going to be off today. Don't gamble or make any big decisions, avoid tailgating, and use protection! You (or he) will not be able to pull out in time, and god knows we don't need any more losers from your end of the gene pool.
Gemini – The government knows about those pictures. Don't ask me how the found out, they're the government. Immediately, disconnect from the internet, reformat your hard drive with Windows 98, remove your hard drive & bury it in the back yard. They aren't scheduled to get you til Thursday, but you never know when those G-men will jump the gun.
And, by the way, what was with the ferret & the Dijon mustard?
You are one sick bastard, I'll tell ya that much right there.
Cancer – Feel free to start smoking again, or if you didn't before take it up (gotta love a habit that pisses so many people off.) You might wan to try heroin & coke too while you're at. The stars indicate that you have a malignant tumor in your left occipital lobe. It's inoperable & won't respond to traditional therapies. There is a herbalist/used llama salesman in the remote village of Tlachnanxhiu in Peru who has come up with a cure for your particular cancer, but it won't help to hunt him down, you'll be long dead before you can find him. So, go on & get to whorin' you've only got about three days before you lose control of your bodily functions. Party on dude!
Leo – Today you are going to make people happy, the celestial omens are vague concerning the exact form of this happiness. Perhaps you are going to die & leave someone a huge hunk of cash, or maybe your ex-girlfriend will find out your new girlfriend gave you gonnorhea, or you're gonna go bone an ugly person. But, today, somewhere, somehow you're gonna make someone happy. Nice goin' Leo!
Virgo – Run. Now. Drop what you're doing, don't turn off your computer, just run. Run like hell. Run like the wind. It doesn't matter where, just go. Now! What are you still reading this for? RUN!!! If you're fat, or crippled you are F**ked! I said, quit reading this, and get your……..Too late.
Phallius – When you are out & about this week you will meet a very atractive member of the opposite sex. They will find you practically irresistible, and may even propose a tryst within the hour you meet. We're talkin' serious pheromone funk here. If you choose to do the wang-dang-doodle with this person it is going to be some of the hottest mattress action you've had in your life, the heavens will literally open & choirs of angels will sing, it may even lead to beautiful and fulfilling a lifelong relationship. But, be warned, the person you will meet has just ended a torrid sexual relationship with either your father, mother , or both, and they will immediately call all of your family & friends & tell them not only about the sex, but that they told you of the relationship prior to orgasm, but you insisted on finishing anyway. So, given this information, you decide. You sick bastard.
By the way, you're gonna catch the clap.
Libra – The stars have portend ominous news for you. You are going to do something, so incredibly stupid, embarrassing, and unforgivable, that you will have to leave town to hide your shame. So, you might as well cancel your phone service, get a change of address kit, and call the movers, cause you are about to f**k yourself so royally there will be no chance of redemption in this lifetime or the next. I wish I had some good news or advice, but this is unavoidable. It's one of those karmic boners that'll haunt you till the day you die. Children will cry at the mention of your name.
Scorpio – Hope you needed a little good news, cause here it is. You are immune today! That's right nothing you do can harm you. Cop pulls you over just to compliment you on your drivin'. Jump off a building? turns out they left a trampoline outside. Rubber slips off? it's a negative on the EPT. You are charmed, that person you're attracted to? They're gonna be on you like Rosie O'donnell on a buffet. And, nobody will find out 'less you want 'em to find out. This is your lucky day, wanna kill somebody? Go ahead, you can't get caught. You have a 24 hr get out of jail free card. Take advantage while you can 'cause tomorrow ain't lookin' good.
Sagittarius – Gemini has taken care of those pictures he had of you. Also, that nasty rash is gonna clear up. Just keep using that ball rot cream the vet gave you for your pet, seems to be working. One of your co-workers wants to have sex with you, but it isn't the one you want to want to have sex with you. You're probably gonna have sex with them anyway (the one you don't want to have sex with, not the one you want to have sex with) Their spouse is going to catch you. You might think that being forewarned, you can be careful enough not to get caught, but you can't. You're not bright enough to pull it off. It's coitus interuptus for your dumb ass.
Capricorn - Quit your job. Those bastards don't appresiate you anyway, and you're worth a lot more than they're paying you. As a matter of fact they probably owe you! Hell yes! before you leave hit the safe for a few grand. If anybody tries to stop you, whip out that gat & Glock, Glock, pop a cap. And, that bitch that wouldn't give you the time of day, cap her skank ass too. And what about that brown nose cheated you out of your promotion? pop one between his eyes. Not only this work shit, I bet your wife's been cheatin' on ya. Head home & kill 'em all!!
Or, take up oragami.
Aquarius - 5 I know it doesn't sound like much, but that's all I'm gettin' today, 5. The stars are fickle sometimes.
Pisces - You have been formulating some sort of plan lately. The stars don't specify what, but they do specify that it will fail. If it's financial you're going to go broke. You seem to have invested a lot of time and effort into this scheme, and it is very important to you, but trust me, its doomed. Not only will continuing with this plan result in failure, but in personal embarassment as well. You will become a laughing stock, and be ostracized by your peers. On the bright side your mom didn't find those pictures Gemini emailed you.
I will however be doing it in a monthly rather than daily format (I just ain't got the time anymore) I will also, be doing it from my favorite local drinking establishment, because horoscopes of this concise & biting accuracy do not fall from the sober mind.
Although, I do consult the stars and from them draw the bulk of my information, I temper my celestial findings with numerology, phrenology, tarot, the reading of both chicken, & goat entrails, Mayan glyph writing, a little of my own immense prophetic gifts, and a magic eight ball.
If you follow my horoscope exactly you will find love, companionship, wealth, spiritual fulfillment, heightened sensory perception, and granola no longer hold the meaning for you they once did.
And it may cause E.D.And now, 58ford's Horoscope For You presents:
May, 2007!
Preface
Although I use all of the traditional signs of the zodiac
Aries the ram
Taurus the bull
Gemini the twins
Cancer the crab
Leo the lion
Virgo the virgin
Libra the scales
Scorpio the scorpion
Sagittarius the archer
Capricorn the goat
Aquarius the water bearer
and
Pisces the fish
I have updated this dozen to include a new sign
Phallius the prick
Phallius comes right at the end of Virgo & lasts for only about fifteen minutes. So if you were born in the last fifteen minutes of September 23rd your astrological sign would be Phallius.
Aries – You poor bastard, you might as well stay home. I recommend you don't even get out of bed. The signs for you are so bad I wouldn't even wish them on a Sagittarius. If you lose your job for taking the day off count it as a blessing, it's the best thing that could happen.
My recommendation for the day is: warm up that modem, snag a box of Kleenex, head to your favorite porn site & spend the day in quiet masturbation. (you're gonna get blisters on your privates, but that was gonna happen anyway, so you might as well have fun getting' 'em.)
Taurus – Your reflexes both physically & mentally are going to be off today. Don't gamble or make any big decisions, avoid tailgating, and use protection! You (or he) will not be able to pull out in time, and god knows we don't need any more losers from your end of the gene pool.
Gemini – The government knows about those pictures. Don't ask me how the found out, they're the government. Immediately, disconnect from the internet, reformat your hard drive with Windows 98, remove your hard drive & bury it in the back yard. They aren't scheduled to get you til Thursday, but you never know when those G-men will jump the gun.
And, by the way, what was with the ferret & the Dijon mustard?
You are one sick bastard, I'll tell ya that much right there.
Cancer – Feel free to start smoking again, or if you didn't before take it up (gotta love a habit that pisses so many people off.) You might wan to try heroin & coke too while you're at. The stars indicate that you have a malignant tumor in your left occipital lobe. It's inoperable & won't respond to traditional therapies. There is a herbalist/used llama salesman in the remote village of Tlachnanxhiu in Peru who has come up with a cure for your particular cancer, but it won't help to hunt him down, you'll be long dead before you can find him. So, go on & get to whorin' you've only got about three days before you lose control of your bodily functions. Party on dude!
Leo – Today you are going to make people happy, the celestial omens are vague concerning the exact form of this happiness. Perhaps you are going to die & leave someone a huge hunk of cash, or maybe your ex-girlfriend will find out your new girlfriend gave you gonnorhea, or you're gonna go bone an ugly person. But, today, somewhere, somehow you're gonna make someone happy. Nice goin' Leo!
Virgo – Run. Now. Drop what you're doing, don't turn off your computer, just run. Run like hell. Run like the wind. It doesn't matter where, just go. Now! What are you still reading this for? RUN!!! If you're fat, or crippled you are F**ked! I said, quit reading this, and get your……..Too late.
Phallius – When you are out & about this week you will meet a very atractive member of the opposite sex. They will find you practically irresistible, and may even propose a tryst within the hour you meet. We're talkin' serious pheromone funk here. If you choose to do the wang-dang-doodle with this person it is going to be some of the hottest mattress action you've had in your life, the heavens will literally open & choirs of angels will sing, it may even lead to beautiful and fulfilling a lifelong relationship. But, be warned, the person you will meet has just ended a torrid sexual relationship with either your father, mother , or both, and they will immediately call all of your family & friends & tell them not only about the sex, but that they told you of the relationship prior to orgasm, but you insisted on finishing anyway. So, given this information, you decide. You sick bastard.
By the way, you're gonna catch the clap.
Libra – The stars have portend ominous news for you. You are going to do something, so incredibly stupid, embarrassing, and unforgivable, that you will have to leave town to hide your shame. So, you might as well cancel your phone service, get a change of address kit, and call the movers, cause you are about to f**k yourself so royally there will be no chance of redemption in this lifetime or the next. I wish I had some good news or advice, but this is unavoidable. It's one of those karmic boners that'll haunt you till the day you die. Children will cry at the mention of your name.
Scorpio – Hope you needed a little good news, cause here it is. You are immune today! That's right nothing you do can harm you. Cop pulls you over just to compliment you on your drivin'. Jump off a building? turns out they left a trampoline outside. Rubber slips off? it's a negative on the EPT. You are charmed, that person you're attracted to? They're gonna be on you like Rosie O'donnell on a buffet. And, nobody will find out 'less you want 'em to find out. This is your lucky day, wanna kill somebody? Go ahead, you can't get caught. You have a 24 hr get out of jail free card. Take advantage while you can 'cause tomorrow ain't lookin' good.
Sagittarius – Gemini has taken care of those pictures he had of you. Also, that nasty rash is gonna clear up. Just keep using that ball rot cream the vet gave you for your pet, seems to be working. One of your co-workers wants to have sex with you, but it isn't the one you want to want to have sex with you. You're probably gonna have sex with them anyway (the one you don't want to have sex with, not the one you want to have sex with) Their spouse is going to catch you. You might think that being forewarned, you can be careful enough not to get caught, but you can't. You're not bright enough to pull it off. It's coitus interuptus for your dumb ass.
Capricorn - Quit your job. Those bastards don't appresiate you anyway, and you're worth a lot more than they're paying you. As a matter of fact they probably owe you! Hell yes! before you leave hit the safe for a few grand. If anybody tries to stop you, whip out that gat & Glock, Glock, pop a cap. And, that bitch that wouldn't give you the time of day, cap her skank ass too. And what about that brown nose cheated you out of your promotion? pop one between his eyes. Not only this work shit, I bet your wife's been cheatin' on ya. Head home & kill 'em all!!
Or, take up oragami.
Aquarius - 5 I know it doesn't sound like much, but that's all I'm gettin' today, 5. The stars are fickle sometimes.
Pisces - You have been formulating some sort of plan lately. The stars don't specify what, but they do specify that it will fail. If it's financial you're going to go broke. You seem to have invested a lot of time and effort into this scheme, and it is very important to you, but trust me, its doomed. Not only will continuing with this plan result in failure, but in personal embarassment as well. You will become a laughing stock, and be ostracized by your peers. On the bright side your mom didn't find those pictures Gemini emailed you.