The great Southern death ...

[Guru]

Just a note and request of your thoughts on the subject.
A lifelong friend of my Mother's passed away on Saturday. Indeed she was like an Aunt to me since my Mother had no sisters. They were across-the-pasture friends for the last 60-something years; since the age of being able to walk and talk. They are / were both 72.
Growing up in rural Mississippi from that time made a lot of things different. Mama says she has a lot of friends but the one that passed away the other day was her True Friend.
The kink in the chain is that Mama's friend chose to be cremated. She passed on Saturday night, there will be no other gathering of any kind or service until this coming Friday and it will be a short service at one of the little churches out here in the woods.
I don't know of the feelings others that are close are having now about this and don't want to ask any of the relatives or my Mother because I don't want to set her off again but I am having a deep emptiness about all of it.
To me it's kind of like ... clap off, she just is gone and there is no gathering to visit with lifelong friends, relatives, aquaintences.
No fond discussions of "remember when" with various 3-4 person gatherings by the coffee pot in the break room of the sanctuary. No observations of "My look how little Johnny and Susie have grown since last time". No "I remember when she and I jumped off in the pond while Daddy was plowing". No hallways lined with flowers; the family just suggested donations to the American Cancer Society. No last view of her to come. No necessary moaning and gnashing of teeth ...

I am just filled with a horrible light switch effect. Ok, so she was part of daily life, and then she got sick, and then we visited shamelessly and talked on the phone more than usual and as of this second ... Poof! ... that is just the end of that, nothing more.

The great Southern death is approached slightly different by all groups here in the South. Each religion has a little twist on it; each ethnic group has their way of doing it to. But by and large we do it mostly the same.
Dying here in the South is very important business. We need our pomp and posturing, huge columns of obituaries, tears must be shed in groups and very soon. I feel like somebody just closed the door in my face of life and a sign was hung on it saying "Move along, that is all, nothing to see here."
Your thoughts?

[amanda]

Have you read Being Dead is No Excuse, The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral, written by Charlotte Hays and Gayden Metcalfe? It is a humorous take on Southern culture when it comes to funerals. We have been raised in our neck-of-the-woods to believe that a "send-off" is required, but is it really? Moreover, is it necessary to have a formal "funeral" to have said send-off? Maybe you and your mom should have a gathering of friends somewhere the lady liked to go and have a toast to her memory.

[dollfus46]

Moreover, is it necessary to have a formal "funeral" to have said send-off? Maybe you and your mom should have a gathering of friends somewhere the lady liked to go and have a toast to her memory.
What a wonderful idea, Amandah. That could be more meaningful than a formal funeral. We all have to deal with the death of a loved one in our own way. This may be your answer, guru.

[jmb]

Guru, I know what you mean. My parents both passed away in 2004 and both chose cremation. It was odd not having the typical visitation and funeral. We did have a service at their church each time, but it was more of a somber occasion than a "remember when" type thing. Afterwards, we gathered with friends and family at Mom and Dad's house and celebrated their lives with stories, laughter and tears, and the staple of all get-togethers, food and drink, just as they would have wanted.

[justme]

My family is a cremation family- when someone dies we do have a service, but there is not the "laid out" at the church/ days spent a the funeral home that you would normally have. I personally find all that to be quite morbid - and that is all because I wasn't raised in a culture to doing that ---however, I see the need for it for those who have been raised " sitting up with the dead".

[daisy]

Guru, I think the visitations and the funeral does help the living to mourn and gives a sense of closure.

If you are feeling a void and need a sense of connection about all this, you are probably not alone. Probably everyone needs the comfort and support of the neighbors and friends and the memory of her.

Just an idea, talk to a pastor or have a get together at the house like people do after a funeral or during it. Or talk to the lady who can put it all together. There has got to be some of those in the church your mom's friend was in.

[bpitt]

I'm sorry to hear your loss, Guru. My grandparents were much like your friend. They passed away a couple of years ago. I felt like not just a part of my life had died, but a WAY of life. You see, those of 'the greatest generation' truly were great. At least you were blessed to have known one of these people, and a truly fine Southern lady.

[Hermione]

Two examples from my immediate family.
My sister died six years ago. She was cremated, but there was a large church funeral (Episcopal) in New Orleans. We got the chance to see many, many old friends including her first husband whom we love dearly. There was also a gathering at the house, also wonderful. However, at her request her ashes were scattered and there was no monument. This left the family with an unmet need for some kind of marker -- a need no-one anticipated. When my father died in 2004, Mother ordered a double headstone with her information on it as well. We added a line at the bottom of their stone that said "In Memoriam" with Sissy's name and dates. Apparently the "In Memoriam" indicates that the person is not actually buried there.
When Daddy died, we honored his request to be buried in Memphis near his parents. The funeral was small, but very moving and many old friends were there, as well as family members we hadn't seen in years. One special person was Baby Bro's babysitter, who we hadn't seen in almost 30 years. (BB is a generation younger than me.) It was very important. It was also important for younger relatives to see Daddy dressed in a suit and tie and looking like the man I remembered before a massive stroke at 44 changed him forever. I found it very healing, and it was also good for people like my son and my niece who had never seen him that way. It gave some dignity to a very hard, long battle.

Guru, I second the suggestion that perhaps some friends have a quiet get together to remember your friend.

We also all ought to have our own funeral requests written down somewhere so there won't be any question. This was extremely helpful in my sister's case, because there were disagreements between us and her husband of four years,who was not her religion and was an overbearing person. Had she not written down her wishes, it could have become very ugly.

[CUPCAKE]

Please, if the family has asked for cremation, plan a small get together to honor the memory of the deceased. The funeral is for the living, not the dead. I will always cherish the memories of my own Daddy's funeral three years ago. If he had not had a wake I would never have known how many people loved him and how well respected he was. I heard eight decades of memories and beautiful stories of my 84-year old Daddy. This helped me accept the death of the most wonderful Daddy any girl could ask for. I miss him terribly, but his friends' and family's memories and stories comfort me.